Sort of tired, sort of ill, sort of okay.

Hey beautiful people,

I am writing this at 11:31pm because I thought I was tired, tried to sleep for half an hour, realised that I was ALL TOO HUNGRY FOR THAT KIND OF NONSENSE, and so got up and had a ‘snack’ (actual meal) of frozen mixed berries, tahini, honey and greek yoghurt. Honestly, this combo could sustain life itself. I never get enough. See below for sexy examples.

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Never stopping.

Also, I don’t usually (well still sometimes) get this hungry this late at night, but I’ve had a yucky tummy bug for the past 2 days. I sadly had to forfeit going out to breakfast for Bills famous ricotta hotcakes with a dear friend yesterday morning because I woke up sick. I won’t tell you how, but it involved a mad dash to the bathroom. Things were downhill from there.

Attempted to eat.

Stomach: Ohoho, you foolish woman, whatever you put inside me I will return to the outside; with interest!

Diabolical.

Can I just say, it’s the BIGGEST bummer not having an appetite. I must admit I’m delighted my hunger cues have finally decided to clock back in. Leave-without-pay for all of them.

It wasn’t all bad, though. I slept like a champion yesterday and all of last night. And today, I got a bunch of cleaning/sorting/washing/nail filing done in between lying down because being bed-ridden was making me crazy.

The sunrise this morning from our balcony. Captured by Kelsea with #nofilter
The sunrise this morning from our balcony. Captured by Kelsea with #nofilter. Jesus, WOW. Just… wow.

I also watched two entire movies today, which I haven’t done in years. (If you must know, it was The Ones Below and How To Be Single). This is an achievement for me- honest! I remember when I was at my worst, ED-wise, I could barely read a paragraph of a book without my mind straying to obsessive, disordered thoughts. Sitting through a movie was out of the question. It’s good to know I can enjoy this.

But having this tummy bug was, in a strange way, healing.

I rarely give myself true days of ‘rest’ mentally, physically and emotionally. There’s always an undercurrent of guilt, that little needling voice, that undermines me when I try. 

“I’m not burning calories lying down like this”
“My metabolism will slow down if I don’t spark it up with some exercise today”
“I’m not being productive enough”
“I’m so far behind in life… so many people are at work today and I’m just staring into the refrigerator”
“This is the 5th snack you’ve had today… so you have to exercise or not eat dinner”

The list goes on. All of this stuff is stupid nonsense. IT’S NOT TRUE, OR HELPFUL TO THINK ABOUT. The only problem with this situation is what’s going on in my mind. And all the while I torture myself with guilty musings, I’m not getting rest anyway. I’m just digging myself into a hole of despair and apathy, or stress and punishment. Totally counterproductive.

So, in a way, feeling sick gave me “permission” to literally do nothing but vegetate. I rested properly. It opened my mind and heart up to things I’d been numb to for a long time, because being alone in silence with nothing to do has that effect. I felt refreshment come in the midst of it. And now I’m getting better physically, I feel just that little bit more calm and clear.

It’s helped me to understand what it is to truly rest. And I hope I can use this ‘skill’ when I know I need it, because at this point in my life, I have a bit more of an opportunity to as I’m not working full-time.

I am blessed to have days of rest. And if this is a season that allows more rest, I’m going to embrace it with a thankful heart. Seasons always change, and before I know it, this one will be over.

So here I am, now midnight, completely horizontal as I type in soft lamplight, empty yoghurt bowls strewn across the room. Listening to the soothing patter of rain just outside my sliding glass door, I feel sort of tired and sort of ill, but also sort of okay.

Bye for now lovelies,

Liz xx

“The unfolding of Your words gives light; It gives understanding to the simple.” – Psalm 119:130

p.s. The featured photo is a fabulous company called Inside Out, who make seriously good quality cold brew teas, coconut water and nut milks. My housemate is an intern there, so we get the occasional treat!

 

4 comments

  1. This spoke to me so much. It is exactly what I needed to hear today. My body (and mind) have been BEGGING me for rest lately, I feel like I’m in a fog. But I never let myself completely rest because of that nagging guilt saying I should be productive or I’m lazy or not burning calories blah blah blah.

    You’ve inspired me to just let go and listen to my body. Rest is necessary!! <3

    Reply
  2. Feeling sort of tired and sort of ill, but also sort of okay… I know this feeling. Its actually, pretty nice, in a bit of a twisted way. Those times when I don’t feel anxious or angry or full of obsessive thoughts – even if I’m tired and kind of sad – are like these really beautiful, calm, rests in themselves. We don’t realize how much energy we are expending with all of these negative thoughts and anxieties. So when they leave us, it can feel like a calming release. Which then lets us rest as we need to.
    I’m glad you are resting. Your body and mind deserve it.
    You write so beautifully, my dear.

    Reply
    1. It’s true! We just learn a ‘new normal’ of stressful living. It’s so nice to rest from that sometimes, even if it’s more of a ‘collapse’.
      I really hope you can rest too, Cora. Thanks so much 🙂

      Reply

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